Matchmaker Sale
by muerte'chan o.O
Summary: The SWA decides to hold a 'Matchmaker Sale'. Its a survey that tells the Shinigami who should be their friends and lovers. Inspired by a real Matchmaker Sale. First Chapter: Letters; the captains and leiutenants are told they *have* to participate.
1. Letters

Letters

*8th Division*

"Good Morning, Taicho. I have a letter here for you from the SWA. You are to fill out this form and return it to me by the end of the day." Nanao put a single piece of paper on Shunsui's desk, and he looked up surprised. Usually his Nanao-chan piles on the paperwork.

"One form? That's all I have to do today?" Shunsui was surprised, and quite pleased. He would do the form, and nothing for the rest of the day without Nanao tracking him down. She adjusted her glasses and turned pink.

"Yes , sir. I'll explain. The SWA have decided to hold a fundraiser for, well that's classified. Anyways, what we are asking everyone willing to participate to fill out a simple form, and in two weeks they may buy back their results." Shunsui was looking over the questions, with his eyebrows raised. Anything that made her blush like that was bound to be interesting.

"What type of results?" The questions were quite personal, and he was really interested. Anything that had to do with little chocolate men he was all for.

"It's a matchmaker. The results you receive will tell you who you are most compatible with. Who should be your friends, girlfriends, and from different ranks and divisions. And you don't have a choice, since you're a captain." She turned and headed out the door, and she faced him again to shut the door.

"End of the day, my desk." She gave him a stern look, and upon seeing the look of utter interest upon Shunsui's face, shut the door. She wondered how the rest of the SWA were doing. She shrugged, and headed to do her own form.

*10th Division*

Elsewhere, Matsumoto was having a harder time convincing her Taicho.

"C'mooon... please taicho? Everyone is doing it, and the results are confidential!" She realized she should have made him promise _before_ she let him open the envelope.

Hitsugaya sputtered angrily, and turned red.

"Matsumoto! If you expect me to answer such personal questions, and give them to you, you are sorely mistaken!" He turned and plopped himself into his desk chair, thinking that was the last of that. Matsumoto straightened herself up, and turned and closed the door, locking them both into his office. She rounded on him, hands on her hips. Hitsugaya leaned back in his chair. This was not going to be pretty...

"Listen, and listen good Taicho. You are going to answer this form, and buy the results back, or else I am going to tell everyone about your sugar addiction. Or worse, call an intervention!" She had both arms on the desk, and was leaning forward menacingly. The tone in her voice was quite serious. Hitsugaya had gone to great lengths to make sure no one found out about him and his sugar... and an intervention! That would not do...

He threw both hands up in defeat and said; "I give! I give!" He slowly lowered his hands and rested them on the letter explaining exactly what a 'matchmaker' was. Surely it couldn't be _that_ bad...

*5th Division*

"Taicho! Taicho! You have a letter in the mail for you! It's from the SWA!" Ichigo choked on his coffee. The last time he received a letter from the SWA it contained pictures and a blackmail threat to send them to Byakuya. You can imagine what was in them.

"Umm, Hinamori-fukutaicho, would you be so kind as to burn it-HEY! GIVE ME THAT!" She was opening it, and pulling out the contents. He and Rukia were the only ones who knew about the kitchen contents and how to use them. Ichigo didn't want to ruin her innocence with those pictures.

"OOOOH! Taicho! It's a letter! And a form... I got one too!" Puzzled, he ripped it out of her hands. "It says its a matchmaker, and everyone has to do one! And captains and lieutenants are obligated! I got one too!" Ichigo thought there was no way he was playing along with the SWA. Not after what they made him do.

""Ichigo!" Did you get one too?" It was Rukia, climbing in through the window. Good thing she was so small, or else she would have gotten stuck.

"Rukia! Why can't you just use the door?" Her face fell, and her bottom lip quivered. She looked away.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to ask you if you got-" She held out her letter, identical to his which was now shredded open on his desk.

"Yes, I did. And I'm not doing it. If they think I'm gonna do it, they're dreaming." He sat down in his chair, and picked up his coffee. The next think he knew, Rukia was crawling towards his on her hands and knees on his desk. She stopped right in front of his letter. She picked it up, and, when he thought she was gonna do something extremely sexy, she shoved it in his face.

"You will do the form, or else I'm gonna give your birthday present to Soifon, and see how she likes it." She leaned really close to his ear and whispered: "And it's red... and lacy..."

"OK, I'LL DO THE DAMN FORM!" Ichigo was panting, not from being turned on, but from being threatened like that.

"Good! Now," She threw the form on the floor and pulled something out of her robes. It looked like paint... Oh god, _edible _paint.

This is why she wasn't his lieutenant anymore.

The rest of the divisions went along something like that. Soifon refused, until Yorouchi dropped in. Mayuri was quite willing to do it. It was like an experiment to him. As soon as Ukitake heard that Shunsui and Rukia, his lieutenant, were participating he decided to go along with it. Hisagi wasn't pleased with it, and neither was Kira. Komomura and his lieutenant refused, until they were told that everyone else was, and they were easily peer pressured into it. Byakuya and Renji were surprisingly willing, and Zaraki threw a fit.

*11th Division*

"Keeen-chaaan! Wake up!" Yachiru was jumping on his bed and singing her 'wake up' song. It goes as follows:

"WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP BEFORE I CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAAAIIR!

WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP BEFORE I DYE YOUR UNDERWEAR! (PINK)

WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP BEFORE I SLAP YOOOUUUU!

WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP BEFORE I EAT YOOOUU!

WAKETHEFUCKUP!"

Then Yachiru proceeded to slap, bite, and scream her lungs out singing her song she impressively made up herself.

"Fine, I'm up. What do you want?" He rolled out of bed and she ran away. "Damn you! I could still be sleeping! Why the fuck did you wake me up if you didn't need anything?" He guessed she was hiding since he didn't get a reply. He turned to get dressed when something small attached itself to his head and he couldn't see.

"KEN-CHAN! YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT THIS FORM _RIGHT NOW!" _He grabbed the paper that was in his face, and began to read it.

"No way in hell." He growled. He threw the paper on the ground, and continued to get dressed. Yachiru dashed off, grabbed it, and started to write on it.

"If Kenny-chan won't fill it out, I will!" Zaraki's eyes widened and he snatched the paper out of her hands.

"Nononononono. A kid like you shouldn't be reading things like this..." Yachiru giggled.

"Don't worry KenKen! I already did mine!" She ran out the door laughing maniacally. Zaraki hung his head. He put the paper on the table beside his bed, and went back to sleep. He decided he definitely needed a lock on that door...

Yamamoto-Taicho was surprised when he received one. His eyes almost opened all the way when he read his letter.

_Congratulations! You have been selectively chosen to participate in our first annual Matchmaker Sale!_

_A matchmaker is a form you must fill out. In two weeks you will buy back your results. In these results you will find out who you are destined to be with. This will include who your Top 5 friends should be, who you are most romantically compatible with, including those in different ranks and divisions._

_Here are the rules:_

_Every Captain and Lieutenant is obligated to participate. Not participating will result in severe consequences. _

_You must answer truthfully._

_No one else is allowed to fill out the form for you. WE WILL KNOW._

_Thank you for participating!_

**REVIEW. Also, I could use some help with the results. Any takers?**


	2. Survey

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the Seme Uke questions. (Google semeuke, do the quiz. I dare you.)**

_Congratulations! You have been selectively chosen to participate in our first annual Matchmaker Sale!_

_A matchmaker is a form you must fill out. In two weeks you will buy back your results. In these results you will find out who you are destined to be with. This will include who your Top 5 friends should be, who you are most romantically compatible with, including those in different ranks and divisions._

_Here are the rules:_

_Every Captain and Lieutenant is obligated to participate. Not participating will result in severe consequences. _

_You must answer truthfully._

_No one else is allowed to fill out the form for you. WE WILL KNOW._

_Thank you for participating!_

Part One: Seme or Uke?

Do you enjoy licking things?

Have you ever been tied up?

Would you feel guilty for taking advantage of someone?

What's your ideal pet?

How do you eat your ice cream?

Part Two: Yes or No?

Do you drink copious amounts of sake?

Would you ever sing for your sweetheart?

Do you believe in yaoi/yuri love?

Are you willing to kill for love?

Do you currently have your eye on someone? (If yes, please specify.)

Part Three: Would you rather...

Go to a party or read a good book?

Duel or lay in the grass?

Do paperwork or goof off?

Be on top or bottom?

Sneak around or be a well known couple?

_Collection time will be at noon tomorrow. Have confidence that all answers are completely confidential. _

_Thank You for support!_


End file.
